Understanding Attachment Styles: Shaping Relationships from Childhood to Adulthood

Shannan Marano
Sep 4
4 min read

Attachment styles are an essential part of human psychology that greatly influence how we connect with others throughout our lives. Recognizing these styles can help you navigate your relationships more effectively—be they romantic, platonic, or familial. Here we will explore how attachment styles form during childhood, how these patterns act as templates for relationships, and how you can move from an unhealthy attachment style to a more secure one.

Two hands reaching out to each other across a grey background — Reaching for connection.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are behavior and emotional response patterns that develop in early childhood through interactions with caregivers. These styles are categorized into four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Each style reflects how a child interprets their caregiver's availability and responsiveness, ultimately shaping their expectations and behaviors in adult relationships.

Secure Attachment: Characterized by a healthy balance between independence and intimacy. Children with secure attachments feel safe, allowing them to explore their environment and create healthy relationships.
Anxious Attachment: Often results from inconsistent caregiving, leading to clinginess and fear of abandonment. Anxious partners in a relationship show signs of seeking excessive reassurance from their partners.
Avoidant Attachment: Arises from caregivers who are emotionally unavailable, causing children to suppress their feelings and avoid closeness.
Disorganized Attachment: Often a result of trauma or neglect, leading to confusion and fear in relationships. This style is typically linked to chaotic or highly stressful family environments during childhood.

How Attachment Styles Form in Childhood

Attachment formation begins from infancy. When a caregiver consistently meets a child's needs—through physical comfort, emotional support, or responsiveness—the child develops a secure attachment. For example, a child who receives hugs, encouragement, and timely comfort when upset is likely to feel safe exploring the world.

On the other hand, when caregivers are inconsistent or neglectful, children may develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Anxious children often become overly dependent, seeking constant reassurance, while avoidant children learn to suppress their needs, believing that seeking help will lead to disappointment.

Disorganized attachment often arises in environments where caregivers are sources of fear or unpredictability. Children in these situations may experience significant trauma or neglect, resulting in difficulties forming coherent relationships.

A closeup black and white image of a baby being fed a bottle, the baby is clinging onto to their caregivers hand with their small fingers. — How were your needs met or unmet as a child?

Templates for Relationships: The Brain's Blueprint

As you grow, your childhood attachment style creates a mental template that influences how you engage in relationships. This blueprint affects your expectations, behaviors, and emotional responses in various contexts. For example, individuals with a secure attachment style typically approach relationships with trust and openness, comfortably expressing their needs and emotions.

Conversely, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may constantly seek validation from your partner. Often, this behavior can create a cycle of anxiety and conflict, as partners often feel overwhelmed by the need for constant affirmation.

Those with avoidant attachment may struggle to form strong emotional connections, prioritizing independence over intimacy and leading to feelings of distance in their relationships. Disorganized attachment can result in chaotic interactions characterized by fluctuating emotional highs and lows, as these individuals may be drawn to partners replicating the chaos of their early experiences.

Manifestations in Adult Relationships

Understanding how your attachment style manifests in adult relationships is essential for personal growth. For instance, if you identify with an anxious attachment style, you may frequently worry about your partner's feelings or fear that they will leave you. This worry can lead to easily identified behaviors such as excessive texting, which may inadvertently push your partner away.

On the other hand, if you possess an avoidant attachment style, you might find it challenging to open up emotionally or fully commit to your partner. Avoidant partners tend to prioritize personal independence so much that they neglect their partner's emotional needs, resulting in feelings of loneliness.

Disorganized attachment manifests as a push-pull dynamic, where you crave closeness but simultaneously fear it. This internal conflict can lead to chaotic relationships that feel unstable and emotionally draining.

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

The good news is that attachment styles are not set in stone. With awareness and effort, you can work toward developing a more secure attachment style. Here are practical steps to guide you:

Self-Reflection: Take time to evaluate your attachment style and its impact on your relationships. Journaling can help clarify thoughts and feelings.
Seek Therapy: A therapist can offer valuable insights and strategies for addressing unhealthy attachment patterns. They can assist you in processing past traumas and learning healthier relational skills.
Communicate Openly: Engage in honest discussions with your partner. Express your needs and feelings without judgment. This open dialogue can foster trust and intimacy.
Challenge Negative Beliefs: Identify negative beliefs about yourself or relationships and work to replace them with positive perspectives. For example, if you believe you are unlovable, actively practice affirmations that counter this belief.
Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present in your relationships and manage anxiety. Regular mindfulness practice can lead to healthier interactions and balanced emotional responses.
Build Healthy Relationships: Cultivate connections with supportive individuals who encourage growth. Healthy relationships reinforce secure attachment patterns, making it easier to develop trust.

Imagine a life where you feel secure and fulfilled within your self.

Taking Steps Towards Change

Understanding attachment styles can be a powerful tool for improving your relationships and emotional well-being. By recognizing how childhood experiences shape current relational patterns, you can take proactive measures toward developing a secure attachment style. Remember, change is a gradual process, but with dedication and support, you can foster healthier and more fulfilling connections in your life. Embrace this journey of self-discovery, and watch your relationships evolve for the better.

By exploring your attachment style and taking steps toward healing, you can break free from unhealthy patterns and build the loving, secure relationships you deserve.

Working with Shannan at Lavender Sky Counselling will give you the tools, insight and reflection you need to move towards a secure attachment with yourself and the people around you. Build thriving relationships and friendships where you feel genuine, authentic and happy. It all starts by booking in with Shannan today.